OVERLOAD!

Can I just say I am in wedding OVERLOAD?!?!?! I have been mercifully drawn to the computer designing a wedding I have not even set the date for. I have not put on a bra, brushed my teeth (or my hair). I let the children play in the rain and eat whatever they wanted since I rolled out of bed today. Planning dinner? Yeah, well, I told Steven to bring home a frozen lasagna.

I am a bit of an oddball when it comes to my taste in things. I have an eccentric imagination and tend to sway toward things that are far beyond my budget. Not because I necessarily like expensive, it just ends up being that.

I have been dreaming of my second wedding forever. Since before my first wedding. I always wanted to have a costume ball and a Halloween wedding. Even going so far as to requiring all of my invited guests to be in costume. Well, being that this is my second wedding and Steven's first, my dreams will remain dreams. Steven wants a traditional church wedding. Such a boring way to go, really. But, I guess I cannot expect much more from a southern Baptist-raised Momma's boy. And with that, I will allow his "church" wedding, sans zombies.

My taste in dresses has always been the same though. I LOVE Victorian/Burlesque style dresses. Corsets and bustles and lace, OH MY!I have decided the wedding will be very steampunk sexy. I love mustaches. They will have an avid part in the wedding design. Don't judge me.

I am so positive I can pull it off, except for my dress. I know it is going to be the most pricey element of the wedding. I am more worried about finding the dress. I have found a ton, but my figure does not fit in "normal" sizes. Ordering something online is out of the question. Unless I find someone who specializes in a Dolly Parton size.
I would love to find a super seamstress with tons of experience locally, to help create the buxom dress of my dreams.

Is it sad that I do not want any bridesmaids? I did this once, and I don't know, it just isn't for me. I only want my three little ladies beside me. I am not really sure who Steven wants on his side. He doesn't really have any "friends" he hangs out with. He is kind of a loner in that aspect. Except for me, but I will already be beside him, holding his hand.

I am also resisting the urge to chop all my hair off. I envision long curly tendrils, bouncing my neckline and either a fancy mini top hat of sorts or some feathery little fascinator pinning the curls up behind my right ear.

Fancy lace fingerless gloves is a must. And they have to go to my elbow. Still not sure about the cake, but it will be a spectacular creation. Bottles of poison on the tables and black flowers. Lace and clocks everywhere.

I hate it when my mind get fixated on something creative like this. I feel like I am always about to explode. Its always on my mind, which is going a bajillion miles a minute. Complete thoughts become a jumbled fragmented mess. I have a hard time expressing them verbally. I wish I could draw. I have the same problem with dreams. I can see them in my mind and remember, but to try and verbally reconstitute details is impossible. Freaky. I don't understand me sometimes.

I am thinking a mid-late September evening wedding..and I think it is gonna be epic.

Its about time!

So he finally did it! I am engaged and I could not be happier!

I knew it was coming. Hell, I knew it was coming at least a dozen times before and it never happened. If I was wrong again this time I had a hunch, I was ready to throw in the towel.

A few weeks ago I noticed a chunk of money missing out of the bank. Naturally I was pissed because I just knew he went and bought something stupid without discussing it with me. You know men. Well at least in my experience. They are more impulsive than me at the grocery check out when damn reese's are on sale BOGO. Anyhoo, I ask about the money. He says "I can't tell you right now." and smiles. Well great. Now I start getting suspicious, but trying to keep my mind from making that assumption. There have been several occasions he has built up something and been vague about things and I have totally made that assumption......and made a quiet ass out of myself for assuming this was it. I never let him know my disappointment. Every Birthday, Christmas and Valentine's. This past Valentines I knew it wasn't going to happen because we were in a financial bind. But, he said he was going to make it up to me. I waited. And I waited some more. Finally, February was over, no ring.

Last week, a package comes in the mail. It was addressed to him. I wanted to open it and really thought about doing it but couldn't figure out how to get the box open without noticeable damage. Alas, the box sat there. Brie was convinced it was Gordon. The Number 4 blue engine. She thinks trains come in the mailbox whenever she decides she wants one. And this has nothing to do with Mommy buying her trains from Ebay. Nope, sure doesn't. So not only was I struggling not to open it for myself, I was struggling not to open it to prove to a 2 year old there was NO DAMN GORDON IN THAT BOX! He came home and I handed him the box and he took off in the other room. He come back out and tells me he found my driver's licence and the 2 credit cards I lost (and had all three replaced), but nothing else. "What was in the box?" "Nothing. (shit eating grin). Naturally. "Well where did you find my cards?" "In that thing by your Jewelry box on your tall dresser." What a jerk. Its actually my lingerie bureau and its tall and narrow. So tall, that I cannot reach my jewelry box on top, which is where he just hid this fucking mystery box contents. He so did it on purpose. I mean, I could go get a chair or something and have a look see, but I really am just too lazy to drag a chair all the way to my room. Being short is a bitch when people take advantage it. So, the day goes on, no ring.

Family trip to the Cape Fear museum!!! maybe today is the day!!! Its beautiful outside. We are having some much needed family time. Its his first weekend off in FOREVER. Today is the day! The museum was pretty cool. Way cooler than I anticipated. We finish the first floor and go upstairs. The first exhibit we check out up there is the photography exhibit. It was cool. Tons of old cameras and stuff. The kids were looking at one thing, I was looking at another and Steven had wandered to another display. I strolled over to where he was to check out what he was looking at. As a sign of affection, I reached over to him to tuck my hand in his pocket. I do this all the time. He knew I was standing there. I sure as hell wasn't digging to find anything. He freaked out! Shoved my hand away so quickly and stuttered to ask me what I was doing as he protected his pocket. It scared the crap out of me! I asked was something going to bite me in there and he kept stuttering trying to play me off like he did not know I was standing there. He thought it was someone else coming to grope his thigh from inside his front pocket? Come on!!!! He swears that there is nothing there. WHATEVER. Museum is done, time to go home for lunch. He is chewing his nails all the way home, still no ring. He suggest we go out for dinner to Applebee's. Here we go. I am thinking, if he proposed to me at Applebee's, I am gonna die. I am terrified and silently, reluctantly, go to Applebee's. I am seriously trying to think of a way to make an Applebee's proposal sound romantic when I tell the story to friends, relatives and future grandchildren. Its just not happening. Dinner was super yummy. No ring.

I am done. I cannot believe I have convinced myself AGAIN that this was it and I was wrong AGAIN. My boyfriend is just a weirdo and I need to just come to terms with this. I will forever be in wait of some magical moment that I have built up in my amazing little imagination that will never happen. I will just be a "girlfriend", even when I am 60. That is just the dumbest thing ever. Here is my little white flag guys. I freaking give up.

And then yesterday happened. I woke up and laid in bed with him. We listened to the 2 younger kids up and playing in their room. We talked, what about I don't quite remember. I do remember him asking how much I loved him. "Bigger than the sky. Infinity times two, plus one" He laughed and said "now without using the kids' words" I told him that I loved him with all my heart. We kinda just laid there smiling for a few moments and he got up. I figured he was just getting up. He came over to my side of the bed and knelt down in my side of the bed and in just a pair of boxer briefs, he began. He was not stuttering, or shaking, or being weird in any sort of way. He says to me "I love you so much. You ARE my heart and my world and I wan't to spend the rest of my life with you." He pulls a small blue velvet box from around his back and opens it, revealing this beautifully perfect ring. He paused for what seemed like an eternity. Then he asked me "Will you marry me?" I was already a mess by then and I blubbered through the tears "Of course I will marry you!" We hugged and I sobbed for like ten minutes. He asked me was I gonna smile. I very lovingly smacked him in the shoulder and told him "See, I told you you were being weird!" Once I got myself together I called the girls into the room to share the news. Once they all piled on my bed, I showed them my ring and waited to see what they would say. Jazzmin said "wow, that's pretty Mommy" Brie was mad because Jazzmin wasn't talking very much to her because she just woke up. Solara said "Its not a toy? I only care if its a toy for me if you wanna show me something" HAHAHAHA she is so funny. I asked them if they knew what the ring meant and they all said no. I explained that Steven had asked me to marry him and I said yes. Jazzmin was really excited. So excited she put Brie in a party dress and had her carry a basket up and down the hall, teaching her how to throw flower petals like a flower girl in preparation for our wedding.

So that is it, we are engaged. I think I will just enjoy the engagement for now. I have waited so long for it. I don't want to dim the glow I have by stressing over my soon-to-be in-laws having a conniption because I want to have a costume ball and wear Chuck Taylors instead of a traditional wedding. The engagement has renewed me in a way. I know it has only been a day, but when you wait for what seems like an eternity for something, finally getting it is an amazing high. I am honestly and truly happy and in love <3

BARF

Lord have mercy. I have dealt with more barf in the last 3 days than I ever care to deal with again any time soon. Day before yesterday, Jazzmin woke up puking. After a night of routine intense g-tube feeds, you can only imagine the volume. She seemed fine for a bit, just complaining about cramping. I had errands to run in Wilmington and figured she would be ok. Its not uncommon for one of my kids to have an isolated barfing incident. Well, that is why I am not paid to think. She got sick in the parking lot of our first destination. We decide to just go home. Nothing is ever that simple. We don't "just do" anything. There is always a bajillion other things that chime in to make events more interesting.

Approaching the Cape Fear River bridge, I notice traffic isn't moving from about 5th street. Being the cyber media junkie that I am, I tell Steven to check the NHC911 Twitter feed. Low and behold, a disabled motorist on the bridge, delaying already heavy rainy Saturday traffic. I look for a break and scoot on over to head to the only other way to Brunswick County, the Isabella (insert 20 minute pause for barf clean up) Holmes Bridge and kiss my ass, its up waiting for the hugest fucking ship to pass through. I can see in the distance the traffic I had avoided on the CFR Bridge moving just fine.Before we can make it across the Bridge once traffic starts moving, Jazz pukes in the back seat. Then once more before we get home. Jazz continues to throw up the rest of the evening (about 6 more times)..(insert another 10 minute mini-barf clean up)

I ran gatorade through her g-tube that night at about 1/4 of her normal feeds rate, so as not to upset her tummy anymore but at least keep her somewhat hydrated. She does ok through the night and I kept her home from school Monday, just to be sure. No one wants to be that kid. You know, the one who puked all over the classroom or on that other kid on the playground. No puking all day Monday. I though we were good. There I go with the thinking again. Today she says she still feels gross, so I kept her home again. You can tell when your kid really is sick. She just didn't look good. Did I mention she has yet to run a fever? Yeah, no fever. We pick Solara up from school this afternoon and head to walgreens to pick up Solara's antibiotics (bacterial overgrowth/intestinal GI stuff) and we pull out of tha parking lot and have to immediately pull into Auto Zone. Jazz got sick AGAIN! This is nuts. We get home and by the time I get her ped to call me back, she has barfed 2 more times. We have an appointment at 8:20am tomorrow. Doc says pedialyte at half rate via g-tube for 6 hours, then if shes tolerating, 1/2 pedialyte 1/2 formula for the next 4 and Zofran every 8 hrs to help with nausea. She throws up another 3 times. The Zofran kicked in and she is sleeping comfortably.

Now for Solara. She starts whining about 9:30. Steven went to check on her, thinking maybe she had a bad dream or something, but she doesn't know why she is crying. I go in several minutes later when she starts crying again and she says her tummy feels icky. I asked her if she felt like she needed to be sick and she said kind of but I am not gonna. I gave her a bowl just in case. Well 10 minutes later, she filled up that bowl. Gave her some Zofran and she is now sleeping comfortably. I call my mom to tell her the wonderful news that I now had 2 barfing kids that I would be taking to the doc tomorrow. Now jump back up to paragraph two. That 20 minute barf episode was not Jazzmin. It was not Solara. It was Brieanna. OMFG. She puked on everything. her blankies, her star pillow, her bed sheets, herself. All those things are washing as we speak. I called my mom again to inform her that she would not be watching Brie in the morning. I am taking her on this wonderful barf encrusted circus ride to Wilmington tomorrow. The mini barf in paragraph 2 was also Brie. On the couch, but I had already guarded it with towels. Easy clean up.

Can I take a breath now? *big sigh* I have a feeling tonight is gonna be a long night. Wish me luck. The doc only gave me 4 doses of Zofran. I have 2 left and the older children will be having it for breakfast.

Let's begin at the beginning

Well, I suppose I should start with telling a bit about myself. I am a 30 year old, divorced, mother of three little girls. I spent more than half of my life in the suburbs of our nation's capital. Adjusting to a rural way of life, still, after 13 years. I have a feeling this blog will be all over the place. I am compelled to spill out my entire life's story right at this moment, but do not worry. I will spare you that overload of info in this first post. Plus, there is laundry in the corner of the wash room and I can hear it mocking me.

I call myself a Domestic Engineer. Better known as the stay-at-home mom. Domestic Engineer actually makes people think I have a fancy shmancy job where I make a shit ton of money. At least, that's what I would assume. Stay-at-home mom's, in my opinion, don't get the respect they deserve. We work 24/7/365 and then some. No holidays, no sick days. Moms are not allowed to get sick, didn't you know? I have always dreamed of being able to have this title. I have always dreamed of being a mother. A wife. I hope to again be a wife. Someday. In the future. The very near future.

I am currently living with my boyfriend of over four years. My state is one of seven that considers this a punishable crime. Yet another reason I can bring to the table of why he should get off his procrastinating ass and marry me. Anyhoo.... he is a wonderful man. Referring to him as my boyfriend just seems juvenile to me. But that is another post worthy subject. We share a child together and he has accepted my other two as his own. He is supportive and sensitive. Hardworking and smart. And he is the sexiest dork I have ever laid eyes upon.

I have three amazing little ladies. One 8, one 6 and one 2.5 going on 35. They are pretty damn awesome kids. They break my heart and break my stuff, but I couldn't love anyone anymore than I could love them. They are the reason I smile, the reason I cry, and the reason I have so much passion for life itself.

Everyday of my life is an adventure. These are the Blueprints to the future I am building.